The written equivalent of verbal vomit

Each day that I wake up, which thankfully, has been every day so far for the last 26 years and some odd days, I crave creativity. I ache to find the words, or a song, or a photograph....something...to express the depth and breadth of what I am experiencing day to day. Some days - many days - I figure it out for myself. I make up a little poem in my head, make up a little tune to sing to 'Lil Bit while I'm feeding her or changing her diaper (the last one had something to do with her pretty blue eyes), or think of something fun and interesting to blog about. Today, however, is one of those days that I just can't find anything or do anything to say or show what's in my mind. It puts me in a maliciously melancholy mood.

Sometimes I feel it has to do with having such a technical job. I'm doing lots of techy things today. Most of the time, it's awesome, and I get a thrill out of being one of the few true geeky chicks that I know, though I must admit that I don't really know many people. Yet sometimes, it's too techy, in which case I long to do something creative, like write for a living, but I can't write enough or even well enough for that to work.

Hold the freaking phone! I think I figured it out just now... I feel like I know a little about a lot of things instead of really loving just one thing and feeling passionate about it. There is only one thing in this life that I feel intesely passionate about - my family. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I just want to remain an individual as well, ya know? Am I even making sense? But I guess I feel like that which I'm truly good at has very little to do with me. I fuck shit up at work at times (gotta love those defect meetings), I write sub-part articles and stories or can't even think of anything to write some days, and I can't pipe a rose to save my soul. But hey, I'm one damn good mom and I think I'm almost as good of a partner as I am a mom. The Hunk would have to validate that last claim.

I think if I were to do something creative today, it would be to go home and dust off my old clarinet. I haven't played it for years. Hell, I may not even remember the fingerings for all of the notes, and the sound that came out might just be awkward squaks. But I'd try to play something intense and brooding today. Almost dark. No sheet music necessary...complete improv....but it would probably just be mediocre at best.

I suppose I should just be happy being average to slightly above average in many areas and accepting that my purpose might not be to be or do anything creative. Maybe my purpose is to do for others.